The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
