I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
