Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
