Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
