I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
