Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
