my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize