Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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