She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
