You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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