If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
