I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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