Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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