I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
