You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
