Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
