my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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