I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
