just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
