Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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