I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
