My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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