He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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