Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm passing your future prison.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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