Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
