She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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