Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
