I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
