a queef is a wish your heart makes.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
