i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize