Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
