How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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