I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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