Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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