I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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