No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
