Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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