So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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