the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
