The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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