I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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