Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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