Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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