i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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