When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
