Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
