I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
