I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
