U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
are you so shy because you have an std?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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