drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
