i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
