I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
