....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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