i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
