I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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