Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
