I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
