so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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