My Higher Power is John Stamos
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
